The Thoughts of a Rambling Graduate

8:04 AM

picture via the internet

So in three weeks I will be done school pretty much for forever. I have one more Bible class but it's kinda optional, which means in three weeks I step out into a whole new world of options.
And I thought I'd feel different.
At least a little bit.
But I don't.
It's like I'm standing at a fork in the road, knowing that each path will lead me somewhere quite different and I don't know where or when to set out. It's both exciting and strange.
When I was younger the biggest adventures for me was watching Disney movies past seven thirty, swimming in a river without an floats to keep me up, or pretending I was ship wreaked on the front porch with my younger sister Korin.
I had a nice childhood of re runs of the Andy Griffith show, my best friends were my siblings, and classic books were when the real adventures took place, Jane Eyre being a a favorite. I penned stories of grand adventures where kids knew no bounds, rode my pink bike with streamers flying from the handle bars in the summer, going around and around the yard.
I went barefoot whenever the weather permitted and danced in the rain until I was soaking cold.
I was home schooled so in the fall I went through math, hating every moment, bored to tears. I preferred science if we discussed the weather and tried to listen in history but would rather discuss fantasy where Kings reigned and Knights saved princesses.
My childhood wasn't all roses though. I often would cry on the bathroom floor as I angrily, but silently, called myself names. I hated Kara more then any person in the world. I called her "ugly", "dumb",  and wanted to die.
I didn't tell anyone though.
I kept it all in.
To the random passerby I was a good Christian girl. Really, deep down, I was the one who didn't know where to go in life or who would understand. I felt God abandoned me.
When I was twelve or thirteen I wanted to cut but hated the sight of blood so I held back. I did wonder if it would release the pain. It wouldn't, deep down I knew that, but I wanted to try. I never did.
I had an anger problem too, and yelled at my parents and siblings. I dumped my Algebra book one night in the trash back in 7th grade and declared I was quitting school.
The next morning it was laying on the table. My Mom wasn't going to let me quit.
I don't know how my parents put up with me honestly. While I guess I could be sweet at times I had a lot of darkness underneath that I didn't want anyone to see. Anger became a mask. Deep down I was broken hearted.
And all the while I wanted to grow up. The older kids looked like they were having more fun. Graduating seemed too far away and distant. They got to do whatever they wanted and they didn't look depressed. No one ever told them they were too young. They were smart and had it all.
Or so I thought.
Now I'm that age where I thought I'd be "smart", "amazing", "confident", and I don't really feel any of that. I'm not saying this because I want you to feel sorry for me. The not smart part probably goes for the fact I didn't study enough in grade school.... *sigh*
I still feel depressed sometimes, and sometimes that self hate sneaks up on me, threatening to take my joy. I don't know (when in my pre teen years) I finally gave it all to God. Or when I finally began admitting things to my parents.
The process of healing is still in the works and growing up isn't like I thought. I don't have the guts to drive to the mall in complete and utter courage. Driving isn't something I just took up without a care in the world.
Getting a job still sounds terrifying (the job interview part anyway), and I'm still wondering when I should apply. Or where.
The many paths of adulthood lay ahead of me and they seem a bit daunting. I'm not going to get a cap and gown like most every graduate I know. I'm not going to have a party or send out cards announcing it.
To me I haven't done anything too big over my years in school. I never earned all A's or even made passing grades all the time (no one look what I did in 7th grade!). I hated tests and didn't enjoy classes until High School.
Still though, I know God is with me. I'm starting to trust He's there even when I don't feel it. I'm beginning to look back and see Him in my growing up years. I see Him holding my hand even though I wasn't exactly always a nice person.
I see Him holding me back from certain things I missed on in my childhood (I never really had any friends, never did much from home except go to church), because He wanted me to rely on Him. He had a purpose and a plan. He still does.
It's not always easy trusting God when everyone is pressuring me at what my next plan is. Honestly, I don't have a plan. No plan A and definitely no plan B! I've bounced around with the idea of doing YWAM to CHAT to college to....a job....to writing....to being an author. None of it seems quite right, none of it gives me any peace quite yet.
Maybe because God wants me to see what it's like to trust Him Who has every plan and is the God of the second chances. Maybe He wants to work in ways I only dream about.
For now though I'm finishing up my History (three weeks to go), eating left over Easter candy, and listening to Switchfoot like they're going out of style.
And I'm beginning to see what it's like to trust God in some of the biggest decisions of my life.


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4 of your thoughts

  1. that was so beautiful and honest. thank you for sharing that. God has got you in this hard time. in bible study, I've been learning about the will of God. and my pastor said that Gods will isnt as clear cut as we think. we have choices we can make within His will. so whatever you love, if its in Gods will (eg. not a sin.) go chase it. God will have your back in that choice.

    also I can relate to your childhood memories and stuff. Ive always sucked in school. I used to hate myself so much for it. math especially was a nightmare. but then I went to college. Im getting almost straight A's this semester. so dont give up. you can do anything you set your mind to.

    stay strong beautiful! again, great post. thank you!

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    Replies
    1. Thank you, thank you, for your encouragement and lovely comment Faith! My friend Naomi has often told me similar things and I think I need to take this to heart - God is trying to show me something through both of what you said!
      Thank you again Faith! I really needed to hear that! ♥
      Blessings,
      Kara

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  2. Kara, thank you so much for this post and for your blunt honesty. Let's just say I guess we have a lot more in common than I once thought. :) Thank you for sharing your struggles and also what God has been teaching you. It is really encouraging for me to see someone who thinks and feels similarly to me still trusting God. I love you! :)

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    1. Thank you for saying that Kara! I agree - it is highly encouraging to know you're not alone in this big world.
      You're an amazing friend!
      Love you too!

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