Hola readers!

I didn't realize until back in January that I couldn't bring myself to say "thy will be done." I felt God telling me that my word for 2017 is 'peace' and I quickly realized how much turmoil is continually racing through my heart and mind. I tend to give into worry and I like control. I like to control people, myself, circumstances and just life in general. I don't like handing that control over to anyone...it's scary (this is actually one reason I didn't want to get married when I was younger). And did I mention my stressed out personality could have actually caused my ulcers?
But one night I gazed up at the darkened sky with the millions of stars and felt God telling me, "tell me 'thy will be done'. Trust me completely."

I panicked. I'll just go ahead and admit it. I was to the point of crying I was so panicked. I knew what God was saying was true. He holds the stars, he holds the whole world in his hands and I can't allow him to do what he will with my life? If he sent his son for me, what can I do but say "thy will be done"? It seems an easy feat if you say it that way, but I can't say it's easy. I knew that if I said it then I'd be giving him my all. At the time I was also realizing how fragile life is as I was dealing with my ulcers and so I knew that I was saying he could do whatever he wants....like make it worse. Or not better at all. I know this is morbid thinking but all I could think of is what God could allow....the bad, the ugly, the unfair, the scary. And that scared the heck out of me.
I gazed back up at the sky and walked around and around our one acre or so yard and was so frustrated - not at God but myself.
I realized how much he loves me and how much he wants to do with my life but I wasn't giving him my all. I was giving him what I wanted and holding back the rest. The stars shone down on me and I drew in a deep breath and got out "thy will..."



OK this is a bit embarrassing to admit but I kept getting to only about there and I'd stop. I just wanted control. I crave it. And if I let it, it'll be my downfall. But I REFUSE to let it.

I just kept praying, asking God for strength and then I said it. Over and over and over.  "Thy will be done." It was freeing and it was beautiful. There was no blinding light, no angels singing, no complete faith. I still struggle, complete faith takes time, but I've seen some pretty major changes in my life over the last few weeks and I didn't even realize it.

Not at first.

But now I've begun to see changes - that happens when you tell God to do what he will. I've signed up for college classes (online) and I'm now a psychology major. I'm getting ready to send out my story to an agent and see if he accepts it. I've read my Bible daily. Sometimes I don't get anything out of the reading...but sometimes I do.
When I told God "thy will be done" I accepted God to allow the bad, the ugly, the painful...I didn't realize that not only was I giving that to God but I was also allowing the good. I was saying to WHATEVER.
When we give it all to God, when we give him control, we're saying allow anything. Everything. I didn't consider that - I just thought about what I was giving up...not the reward, not the deepening relationship with my Savior.
 Now, I'll be the first to admit life still is so far from perfect. I still struggle. There's still a lot of junk. But I'm finding the beauty of saying "thy will be done". When we do that, when we give God all, there's nothing like it. And I think it's an everyday commitment. I can't just say it once, I have to continue every day for the rest of my life.