Hola readers!

Taking a new turn in the posting department to talk mental helath + exercise.

I've always considered myself healthy and decently fit. I could walk a mile or so at a time in the woods, did a fifteen minute workout about once a week, and ate organic/healthy when possible.
Yet when Covid-19 struck, I began to get bad anxiety again and not sleep. I felt myself very quickly backsliding into what had been a couple years ago, and that scared me almost more than the virus. I remembered the sleeply nights in high school and panic attacks and depressing emotions, and got more anxiety just thinking about returning.
A few days after I stopped working, I woke up with anxiety and darkness and said, "self, we're not doing this again." 
And I began kick boxing again, doing a twenty minute at home workout that I had done a few years ago but fell out of with the business of life. Than in between days off of my full body routine, I took two mile nature walks into the hills and mountains of my state park.
Sunshine is my happy place.
Feeling the hot rays on my bare shoulers and just standing there breathing in the mountain air = happiness for me. I'm such a hippie when it comes to nature, I'll be the first to admit. Dirt and bare feet and sun burns and sunsets and rises and river water and flowers and the breeze....





This reminded me something I found out a few years ago when fighting a very bad place mentally: Exercise is vital to good mental health. 

There is a long process and lots of baby steps to getting to the other side, and quite frankly "the other side" is a long time coming. But I realized how much I needed to actually get my body moving. I had fallen into a slump and it was time to climb out. I am twenty one years old and suddenly I realized how easy it is as a young adult to allow my body to fall into an unhleathy pattern.
For some people meditation and yoga is the answer to calming their soul or some dancing -- but I'm hard core kick boxing and some really long walks are what I need to release some pent-up energy and anxiety.

I remember when I first began boxing at home (no punching bag -- just me in front of the mirror trying to not look like an idiot). I imagined punching the darkness and anger and releasing everything I felt inside. I remember repeating, "you will not have me," until sweat dripped down my forehead and back.

I missed that feeling of freedom.
It was good to be back.

Yetserday I walked over three miles up some cliffs and on the other side I felt victory flow through me sticky sweet. For some maybe this would be a small accomplishment.
Baby steps.
I think we have this idea that we should look a certain way or that we should have it altogether in front of the mirror so we don't look the fool. But just getting out there and doing it, falling back into the routine of not letting my emotions take over me, was just what I needed these last couple of weeks.
And I don't plan on stopping anytime soon.

 I know He will show up.
I know God is here in this.

I know now more than ever that in the end I will stand and say it is well. 

Being in this moment, completely powerless, I kinda feel like raging at God: Why is this happening? Why aren't you doing something now? Why are so many people dying and you not stopping it?
And I can, because He will not turn his back my faithlessness and doubt. He holds my frustrated tears to His heart, my broken pieces in His hands.
One day I will say it is well.
For now I will simply choose to believe it.


I wrote this piece one evening, watching the sun set, smelling the apple blossoms and curled up in my warm pjs even though it was around 60 degrees. I think we often misunderstand our doubt as faithless or loving God less. We misunderstand our questionings that we are less than those who seem to have so much more faith than we do.
Especially in these times when sometimes all we have is our thoughts, now is the time to be honest with God, to ask Him what lies on our hearts the most, and ask Him to show up. Now is the time to question but also seek.
I'm not living in my doubt, but I will accept it and seek how to move on.

A lot has changed in one month. I've kept myself buried deep in The Crownless King publishing preparations, new projects, and working on some Crownless King preoder goodies. I've laughed a lot with my young siblings. Taken walks in the woods. Baked gooey brownies. Watched the sun set while curled up on the back porch. Listened to more Spotify than I ever have. Read the whole Patrick Bowers series. Called friends and family to check up on them. Cleaned the garage. Found new blogs to explore. Brainstormed story ideas over the dinner table. Had the windows up and listened to the birds and wind.



It's been a weird time.
Sometimes I feel I haven't accomplished anything.
Sometimes I feel exhausted, but most of it is mental because when I lay down at night I still can't sleep.
It's a weird time because home 24/7 because I feel like I'm sixteen again and in High School and shouldn't my mom be helping me figure out Algebra problems this evening? I've spent long evenings just making jokes and talking with my siblings.
It's funny, we use to be able to tell who was older and younger, but right now (especially for the four of out six), we seem on the same level of crazy.
But it's fun.
I don't know what I'd do without them in this time to keep me sane, to make me laugh at myself, to make me forget that the world is at war. It'll be eight thirty and getting dark but all the blinds are up and my fifteen year old bro is standing in the living room. He's reenacting a bingo match of old ladies and it shouldn't be as funny as it is, but we're in semi-isolation here, so it's hilarious and I'm laughing so hard tears are running down my cheeks.
This is my life right now.
It's not how I imagined it in 2020.



But for right now we're all laughing and that's all that matters.

Hola readers!
It's time for a day of book reviews (I'm falling a bit behind in that department). These two brand new books are some of my favorite spring reads and so much fun.
Enjoy!

Before I Called You Mine Nicole Deese FOUR STARS

A B O U T Lauren Bailey may be a romantic at heart, but after a decade of matchmaking schemes gone wrong, there's only one match she's committed to now. Lauren is a dedicated first grade teacher in Idaho, and her love for children has led her to the path of international adoption. To satisfy her adoption agency's requirements, she gladly agreed to remain single for the foreseeable future.
Joshua may be a substitute teacher by day, but Lauren finds his passion for creating educational technology as fascinating as his antics in the classroom. Though she does her best to downplay the undeniable connection between them, his relentless pursuit of her heart puts her commitment to stay unattached to the test and causes her once-firm conviction to waver.

Cuteness? Check
Snappy dialogue? Check
Romance? Of course ;)
Unique plot? Double check check

Me wailing to my mom upon reading the few few pages of this book: Why do I always get myself into reading the cheesy romances with the pink flowers on the cover? Why am I always swayed by the "about" when I know I'll probably not like it?

Me a few days later upon reading the book: WOW. OK then. I actually....like it

I have not been one for rom-com genre books in awhile, but this one slowly swept me off my feet.

Yes there was a lot of cheesy romance that had me rolling my eyes in the beginning, and yes, Laurel flat out annoyed me in the end with being deceptive and rude to her family (WHY WOULDN'T SHE JUST TELL THEM ALREADY???)....but it got better and that I think was kinda the point (hello character development).
I grew to love Lauren and her relationship with Joshua, the nerdy, handsome, quirky sub teacher down the hall.
But what made me read this book in the first place: adoption.
Adoption has always held a special place in my heart and this was a beautiful fiction book circling around the complications and heart ache, as well as the joy, of adoption. Laurel is single and signs the paperwork promising to remain single at the time of the adoption.... *cough cough* and of course Joshua has to step in -- just when she's supposed to be single pringle.
I was really annoyed that she didn't tell him right off why she couldn't date him, or why she thought she had to be so secretive. Also the whole idea that of course she'd meet the man of her dreams after signing a contract...of course.....but.....

later (like I said) character development happened and we saw it all the better. I had my ups and downs with this novel but in the end I was surprised by how the author rounded it up, and it stole my heart.
Four shiny stars.

Note: I received a complimentary book from the publisher. All thoughts are my own 

Don't Overthink It by Anne Bogel

A B O U T We've all been there: stuck in a cycle of what-ifs, plagued by indecision, paralyzed by the fear of getting it wrong. Nobody wants to live a life of constant overthinking, but it doesn't feel like something we can choose to stop doing. It feels like something we're wired to do, something we just can't escape. 
But is it?




If anyone knows anything about me, they know I overthink everything possible. I have the annoying habit of replaying conversations from days before in my mind, turning them around and around to see if I should have said something differently.

 I tend to let me finger hover hover the "send" button before I send a text. I play out days in advance whether or not I should call someone. And don't get me started when people actually misunderstand what I was saying or my actions!

Yeah, it's bad.
When I chose this book, it was because of the to the point title, which is exactly what the book is: frank and too the point and snappy enough to put a smile on your face. I loved some of Anne's stories of overthinking in her own life, and the points she makes about why overthinking is damaging in our lives + how to move beyond second guessing everything we do.
At first I was a little wary: like could this pink book with flowers in a shopping cart really get me anywhere? (I'm not exactly the pink-cover girl)
Ummm
YESSS!!!!
Anne reminds us we need to get our priorities straight, that we need to figure out what's important in our lives so we can better make choices in our lives and know what we should do....not matter how much on a whim it may be. Like with sending a text to check on friends, I found myself referring back to her book when overthinking.
Highly recommend to anyone who relates!

Thank you to the publisher for gifting me a copy. All review thoughts are my own