Hola readers!

Last week was one of the worst weeks for me in a very, very, very, long time. Yet I think I could go Charles Dickens and say, "it was the best of times. It was the worse of times." Because it really was in a very strange, spiritual, only God, sort of way.
I didn't sleep much - some nights I barely slept at all. I felt like I was in a fog, emotional and alone. I just didn't feel myself.  It was terrible.

And wonderful.

From last week, I've never felt closer to God - I think it's safe to say. I had no one but Him. Yes, I had my family, there's no doubt in my mind. My Mom prayed for me before I went to bed every night, praying I'd get sleep, that the nausea would go away, that I'd be OK. But I wasn't OK. And that's OK.

I think in these moments of doubt, of complete, utter exhaustion  both mentally and psychically, I grew closer to God. He was all I had. I couldn't make myself sleep. I can't make myself better.
It was only me, God and my Bible and a whole bunch of conversations. I love that my Father doesn't care how angry I get, that I can spew my words and He just sits there listening and longing to wrap His arms around me.
Maybe that's the reason we're given pain. We always wonder how God could love us to give us pain, but I think maybe God gives us pain because of His love. Not in spite of it.
Because when we can honestly say we're not OK, we tend to draw closer to the only One who can truly heal, Who loves us no matter what.
He doesn't love to give us pain, but sometimes I'm so hard headed I think He has to do something to wake me up and figuratively speaking, last year I'd been far too sleepy in my faith. I was on fire sometimes, but just recently have I really felt alive in His love. Really alive. Really aware of where my life needs to go.
And I needed to cry. I've never been so emotional for a long time either. When I was younger, going through changes, afraid of who I was becoming, I'd spend a lot of time locked in the bathroom in tears. But this time it was different.
I was trying to read my Bible and suddenly I just broke out sobbing. At first I was embarrassed but now I'm beginning to see the beauty of everything not being alright.

It's OK to not be OK.

I sobbed because I'm tired of the pain, tired of the sleepless nights, tired of feeling to mentally exhausted. But I also cried because I've never felt closer to God, I've never felt so alive, so in tuned with whom I'm called to be. It was a mixture of sadness, anger, and joy - definitely a flood of emotions and worship.
I can't explain it.

But it's OK to not be OK.
It's OK to not be able to explain how to you feel, because He knows.

And I did some crazy things in my awestruck moments I'd never dreamed of doing a few months ago. I wrote a random fan letter to my favorite actress (I don't even know if I got her address right!) telling her how much one of the characters she'd played impacted my life for Christ. I'd never have done that before - I'm not one to get fangirl over actresses or actors but I felt really led to do it.
 I signed up for online college classes - way random. I prayed at night when I couldn't sleep. I cried. I felt loved. I felt closer to God then I have in a long time.
It's not that God and I weren't close before but trials bring a depth to a relationship that wouldn't be there otherwise. Suddenly being a Christian takes on a little more meaning. It's only through Jesus' blood I can be healed - and I'm not just talking about my body. It's deeper then that. I knew that before. Sometimes the darkness was just so overwhelming when I was younger, but this has shown me that even after years of walking with Jesus, even after so much, we still hurt. We still cry. We're still not OK. We still need to be emotional, to get down on our knees and be open with the One who gave His life so I'd spend forever with Him.

For me, not being OK last week was truly one of the most beautiful things.