feeling too broken

7:05 AM



Sometimes I slip back into that old mindset that I'm not good enough. That I'm too damaged, too broken, to make any real impact in the world.

Recently, ever since my job ended in July really, I've found myself back into that mindset.

And I hate it.

I hate admitting that I feel like this. I hate it. It's easy to beat myself up, to tell myself that I'm a Christian - I shouldn't feel this way.

But I do.



And I can't not tell anyone. I refuse to revert back to that little girl who hid in her room to cry, too afraid to let anyone know how she felt. I don't want to hide my struggles. I don't want to pretend I'm OK when I'm not.

It's just

sometimes words fail me.

Sometimes I don't know what to say. Sometimes I feel so lost, so confused, too broken to by loved.  I think about my past emotions, the things I thought and said and I shudder. I slip into that mindset that I should never marry, that I'm too unstable emotionally to have someone be 'forced' to live with me.
I fall into the pit of self-pity then, angrily beating myself up for a past that Jesus gladly erased.  I feel sucked in by darkness, trapped inside myself, my own worst enemy.

I don't know how to explain myself to other adults. I'm like Moses - not good at speaking. It's why blogging is my therapy, why I write books. It's the only way I know how to truly be me.

I feel bad for dropping this weight here, for being so brutally honest, but the name of my blog says it all. I am broken

but Jesus calls it beautiful.

I feel that the 'thorn in my side' will be this brokenness, this at times overwhelming sense that I'm not good enough. I know that at times the world will mock me, say I'm doing all the wrong things

and I'll listen.



But then I run to Jesus and He calls that beautiful. It's hard right now, this season in my life. The world is telling me so many things and I'm struggling to give a deaf ear. But Jesus takes me as I am. He's there. He's there even though for these last few months I've not felt spiritually strong, that every time I open my Bible I feel numb. He's there at my darkest.

And he calls me beautiful.

No, I refuse to revert back to that little girl, but she's still a part of me and I'm truly human - at times I let the hurt I use to feel, the darkness - all of that - back inside to fester. But I'm also saved by grace. While, for now, in this season, it haunts me, I refuse to let it take me.


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12 of your thoughts

  1. Oh dear Kara, this is so honest and brave. THANK YOU for speaking up. THANK YOU for fighting fear. THANK YOU for choosing light. It's amazing about how when we speak up, the things that have such a hold over us loose their power.
    Keep speaking speaking truth!
    xoxox
    elissa

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    1. Aww thank you Elissa - I appreciate your beautiful, encouraging, comment!!! Thank you. Thank you. THANK YOU.

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  2. This is amazing. Truly and simply amazing. :)

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    1. Thank YOU for being amazing Nabila. <3 <3 <3

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  3. Beautiful Kara, Beautiful <3 You are a ray of light in our lives xxx never doubt that. <3

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    1. Oh my heart, Anna, thank you. You are truly a blessing. *Hugs*

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  4. I most definitely can relate to this. There have been many times in my life where I've just felt like I can't even explain the things I'm struggling with. I can't always pinpoint where the struggles come from and it just confuses me. I'm thankful that Jesus has taught me how to have more faith, and that even though I feel confused, he is still good.
    Thanks for being honest and raw. It's honestly a lot easier to stay away from people and not share when we don't know what to say, but Satan likes to use that to tear us apart.

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    1. Yes, we can't always tell what's going on but the devil's battling and sometimes it just feels as though we're not going to get through it this time. Sharing our battles with others is one way, I've found, we can conquer and draw closer to Jesus.
      Thank you for commenting!

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  5. Beautiful post. Just beautiful!

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  6. Wow, I don't know what to say - I've had this post open in a tab since you published it. Thanks so much for your honesty and genuineness. Keep fighting and choosing truth. You're never to broken for Him. And know that God has isn't only using your brokenness to draw you closer to Him, but to reach others as well. Take heart, friend, and stay strong! Praying for you. xx

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    1. Thank you so much for your prayers Jessica - you are such a blessing in my life!

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