Sometimes I slip back into that old mindset that I'm not good enough. That I'm too damaged, too broken, to make any real impact in the world.

Recently, ever since my job ended in July really, I've found myself back into that mindset.

And I hate it.

I hate admitting that I feel like this. I hate it. It's easy to beat myself up, to tell myself that I'm a Christian - I shouldn't feel this way.

But I do.

And I can't not tell anyone. I refuse to revert back to that little girl who hid in her room to cry, too afraid to let anyone know how she felt. I don't want to hide my struggles. I don't want to pretend I'm OK when I'm not.

It's just

sometimes words fail me.

Sometimes I don't know what to say. Sometimes I feel so lost, so confused, too broken to by loved.  I think about my past emotions, the things I thought and said and I shudder. I slip into that mindset that I should never marry, that I'm too unstable emotionally to have someone be 'forced' to live with me.
I fall into the pit of self-pity then, angrily beating myself up for a past that Jesus gladly erased.  I feel sucked in by darkness, trapped inside myself, my own worst enemy.

I don't know how to explain myself to other adults. I'm like Moses - not good at speaking. It's why blogging is my therapy, why I write books. It's the only way I know how to truly be me.

I feel bad for dropping this weight here, for being so brutally honest, but the name of my blog says it all. I am broken

but Jesus calls it beautiful.

I feel that the 'thorn in my side' will be this brokenness, this at times overwhelming sense that I'm not good enough. I know that at times the world will mock me, say I'm doing all the wrong things

and I'll listen.



But then I run to Jesus and He calls that beautiful. It's hard right now, this season in my life. The world is telling me so many things and I'm struggling to give a deaf ear. But Jesus takes me as I am. He's there. He's there even though for these last few months I've not felt spiritually strong, that every time I open my Bible I feel numb. He's there at my darkest.

And he calls me beautiful.

No, I refuse to revert back to that little girl, but she's still a part of me and I'm truly human - at times I let the hurt I use to feel, the darkness - all of that - back inside to fester. But I'm also saved by grace. While, for now, in this season, it haunts me, I refuse to let it take me.