Hola readers!

I had a panic attack while trying to fall asleep last night.
I haven't had a "real" one like this in probably two years. I didn't think all this talk of the virus was really causing me to worry. Up to this point I've felt pretty calm about the whole thing, a peace that didn't mimic a lot of what was going on. I told my friend yesterday that I haven't worried these last couple weeks: come what may, I have no control of any of the events. I hug (and have continued to hug) people without worrying. I wash my hands and take precautions but we can't control anything.
Life's always been out of our control -- we just forget that until something catastrophic happens. We forget that the earth is spinning in the middle of black space, that the sun is a ball of fire, that each breath that fills our lungs, we can not do on our own. We forget that our hearts could stop beating at any moment, that life is so very far from our control.
And then something like this happens
and we remember.

My anxiety continued into the night, waking me every hour, until I finally got up at three something in the morning to get ready for work. I had nightmares about the virus sweeping our nation, about family members and friends, and....just nightmares in general I don't remember. The dread rose, making me feeling a heavy weight lay on my chest, like I couldn't breathe, like I was dying.
But guess what?
I'm not dying.
I am alive.

I got up for work today.
I worked a few hours.
I was let off super early because virtually no one wants to risk it now...but guess what? Let's be positive: More writing time.
None of my family or friends though out the US are affected as far as I know. I still have a job to go to. I'm enjoying watching comedies right now -- they're helping me cope in the rising chaos. My little brother wrote a cute paper on a bird for an English essay. He showed me today because of how proud he was of it. As dumb as it sounds, my mom found toilet paper. I'm reading a really good Stephen James book. Waymarker from Leeland is on repeat.
And I'm alive.
I'm breathing.

Breathing.

Alive.

The sun still hangs in the sky. The ocean still crashes against the shore. A child's laughter still reminds me of innocence.
And while the world has gone into chaos, there is Someone who remains the same.
Love still wins.
Light still overpowers the darkness.

Maybe today it doesn't feel that way. Maybe today the panic will set in...and maybe it will remain. But I'm choosing to remember the good, to be thankful for what reminds, to remember that I was no more in control yesterday than I am today, that chaos doesn't me anymore control then in the peace. I have to make that choice to remember or go into complete panic mode with the rest of the world.
But I have to make that choice.
I have to.

So day I will remember the little things.

kittens//mint bubble gum//red chucks//iced coffee//hugs from my friends//words//breath//books on my tbr//health//life//mint green fingernail polish//warmth//raindrops//love//light//taste//lemon scent//running water//safety//online connection//sunshine//ocean waves//laughter//i love lucy//innocence//second chances//third chances//doughnuts//pizza//freezers//jokes//sit coms//healing//calm//sunsets//sun rises//photos//memories


Let's chat...
How are you doing? What are you choosing to do as the world seems to take pause?