Hola readers!
You know of my ongoing struggle with depression and anxiety. This has kinda been the place where I've vented and have truly been able to be myself. You know that I've wanted healing more than anything.
Just a few months ago, just when I thought it was all away for good...it came back. I began having the suicidal images come into my mind again, sit on my bed and stare at the wall, have extreme anxiety when going into public -- things I thought I had conquered.
It was like I'd come so far and it had all begun all over again, and I was back to the start from where I'd been when I was nine years old.
I thought that it wasn't going to get better.
I assumed I would struggle with this all my life.
I was ready to fight this forever.
I just assumed it wouldn't get better
And I was okay with that. I was learning to fight and I was okay with that. I promised myself I wouldn't be weak, that what didn't kill me would make me stronger, that I could deal with this.
And I did.
And guys I'm writing this post because for the first time in my life I feel I have my depression under control. For the first time in my life I don't have panic attacks when going into public. I haven't had suicidal thoughts in probably five months. I've learned how to conquer my depression...maybe not defeat it wholly, but conquer it, hit it down again and again.
For all of those who know what I'm going through, who understand, who are reading this and say, "yes, that's me."
I want you to know: It get's better.
It really does.
I don't know who you are or what you're going through now, but I do know this: It won't last forever. It does get better.
I wish I could tell you win. I wish I could say you will never be depressed again. I wish I could say that you will be healed.
But I can'd promise that. I can't because I don't know the future...but I do know who holds my future and He won't let you fight alone. When you pick yourself up, when you continue to fight...I can't explain it but things begin to happen. When you don't let your depression define you, when you meet people and talk to people and vent and rave and fight and fight and refuse to let your mental state ruin your life...things happen.
I'm saying that because I know, because it's happened to me. I don't know when I began to see the changes...probably in the last two months or so, and it's mind-blowing.
I am honestly mind blown.
I can't believe looking over my life in the last fall or so what God has done. He amazes me. He really does.
One time I told a girl that without God I wouldn't have anything to live for. "You sound suicidal," she told me. "That statement is suicidal."
I smiled. "Not suicidal. It's the truth. Without God, what do we have to live for but ourselves? And I have to say, if I'm just living for myself, I don't have much to life for."
So yes, it has gotten better. I work part time, I write as much as possible, I talk to people and I try my hardest to be me and as real in real life as on my blog. I've made friends, talk on the phone, talk to older and wiser people who help sort out my jumbled thoughts. I'm involved in things that matter to me, focus on those around me then just myself.
And it's helped a lot.
But something else has helped too. You, readers. Every comment on my sometimes too depressed posts have been a huge blessing. For those who have told me they are praying for me, the messages...all of it has helped me come to a better place.
I don't know what the future holds. I don't know what mental state I'll be in years down the road. I still struggle with depression -- don't get me wrong. But it's gotten better. It really has. Fighting it and not letting it get me down, has been worth every darned second.
I can honestly say I've never felt so alive. I really haven't.
I love life.
And I love my heavenly Father who's made life worth living.