Hola readers!
I thought I would hop on the blog quickly (when are my posts ever quick?) to let you know that...

DRUM ROLL

The Crownless King is complete!!!!!!

The first draft anyway....

I thought I would be happier. I guess I thought angels would sing, the American flag would fly behind me and I would stand in its shadows with my hands on my hips and know I completed something worth reading. I imagined crying over the beautiful ending, weeping over characters and furiously writing about all the info and news on my socials like so many fellow Nano humans.
I didn't.
I didn't so much as shed a tear over any part of my book.

Instead I earned many head aches, a list of notes what I need to improve while the list is still fresh in my mind, and a whole bunch of to-dos in January when I come back after a short break from the novel. It's less than 50,000 words -- in short (pun intended) it's a novella, which wasn't what I wanted to say for the ending.


I feel like The Grinch more then I feel like a human author in completing this novel. No beautiful collages or playlists or character photos. I'm bone dry from the tedious writing and from a really, really, difficult story it was to tell.
I try and pour myself emotionally into a book, place myself with the characters and their lives. It's exhausting because the characters enjoy taking off on their own and not following what I had in mind. They do things I didn't plan and sometimes their struggles mirror my own, struggles I have yet to find answers for but must resolve by the end of the book...
Expectation...


I am plagued by the haunting question, "what if everyone hates the book? What if all I get is terrible reviews and this is the end of my writing career before it began???"
I lay awake, tossing and turning....terrified of the outcome.
OK.
Maybe I'm being dramatic.
Story of my life....



In reality the first draft isn't going to be perfect.
There isn't going to be angels singing or an American flag behind me.
I am not perfect and my first draft certainly will not be (if for a moment I believe that I really am living in a dream world).

We as writers can get caught up in the stories we hear about authors who became sensations overnight, the ones who couldn't get a story out of their mind and wrote it in a matter of weeks with seemingly no hardships to endure.
Let me tell you something: No matter the outcome of that first draft....it's going to be okay

Regardless if you write or not, we have this idea of what life should be like. We think our first tries should be perfection, our lives perfectly rounded, every hair tucked into place. We're afraid of messy.
Nothing that is truly worth it will come easy -- not normally.
Life is about so much more then what it can hand you.
I am learning to embrace my worst parts of me and believe that they can be changed. First tries weren't meant to be perfect, second chances are there for a reason.
I am a first draft, every day in the works -- why would I expect my novels to be otherwise?
I am here to learn from my mistakes, to move on, pick up the pieces and try to do better tomorrow.

It's why people fail their New Year's Resolutions: Because failing and hardship isn't acceptable in our culture. We're here for perfect, aesthetically pleasing posts when in reality we heap too much on ourselves.
We give up because we tell ourselves what we should be instead of being content where we are at.

Maybe these rambles aren't making sense.
Maybe you're lost to them.
But just know: It's not who you were yesterday that matters, it's who you are today and the possibility of who you will become tomorrow.



So write on, live on, and embrace the second chances....

and when I get a chance, a more updated version of The Crownless King (with hopefully a more eye-pleasing photo ;).