Voices.
They surround me.
The news, music, books, friends...strangers...
my own brain

the voices.
they surround me.

Every day they attempt to define me, to prove to me, to make me into who they want me to be. They back me into a corner, attempt to scratch at what I know to be true and sometimes what I can't help but want to believe.
When I look in the mirror, they tell me I'll never be good enough, brave enough, work enough, have enough support, be successful enough. I need to wear more makeup, a certain brand of makeup, of clothes. I need to own the right car, live in the right home, have my hair a certain way. I need to be on social media more (or less), watch certain TV shows or miss out, read more (or less), talk differently to fit in, be quieter (or more loud).
I should travel more to feel more fulfilled + ride on a certain airline. I need to go to college + choose the right college + get all A's or feel like a failure. I need to be popular on social media, glued to my phone, join the right sites, be in the right clubs. I feel left out if I don't fit it.
I should go out more with friends, meet up for coffee, worship at church a certain way...or I'll be missing out.
Missing out. 
The voices whisper, "do this or you're missing out." Always on the move, always trying to reach the top, always trying to be more cool or "in" or the one everyone loves.

Voices.
Always the voices.
So many voices. I'm never good enough for them. I'm never enough.
And I try and ignore them. I thought when you became an adult, you became better prepared to know your own mind; I thought things would be different. I thought you would suddenly gain confidence, have all the answers.
I thought you could fly.

Maybe the voices will go away with time, pushed away into the back of my mind. Maybe if I pretend the voices fail to exist...they will.
Maybe they'll cease to exist.

But they always return.
Regardless, of of what I try and hide, they always appear, are always there, haunting me...and when I ignore them, they only attack harder.
So.
Instead of ignoring the voices, instead of pushing them away, I stand up to them, embrace them, prove them wrong again and again by continuing to be who I am no matter what they say. I continue to seek truth, to figure out the difference between emotion and what's proven true.

To defeat the voices is to stand in the quiet and breathe and refuse to be consumed by them....to not feel but to know truth.

The voices.
They're loud.
Today they're a little quieter.

Maybe one day I'll learn how to silence them altogether.



I randomly wrote this piece one night after completing first draft edits of The Crownless King which I've struggled deeply in writing. In the end of a good book, I've come to the conclusion that there needs to be a ray of hope even if the ending isn't perfection, even if everything hasn't changed for the characters. But finding that hope in the world of voices, voices that scream at you to make choices....well it's been a challenge because this is my biggest enemy: the voices. I've always struggled listening to opinions and thoughts and then still holding concrete to my own. I've always struggled with telling the girl in the mirror that if only she was better, prettier, stronger...and the list continues. 
The voices. 
They are around, but I think when we begin to recognize them and their lies is when we can begin to learn how to rise above them. 
I miss blogging and your comments and hearing opinions and rooting for each other. The blogging world is vast and unique and I've stepped back for awhile to focus on other things, taking a hiatus without meaning to. 
But I'm back now, back and ready to put my hands once more to the keyboard and pull up blogger again.

How are you, readers?