When I was little I didn't fear monsters in the closet or the dark. I would wake up in the middle of the night and check on my parents to make sure they were still breathing. I would slip across the hall and through the living room, unable to sleep until I knew they were okay.
I started at an early age in the paralyzing fear that I would lose someone I loved.
But later the fear of losing someone I loved grew. I realized that it was not just death that could tear relationships apart. I never had many friends growing up. I was the loner. I lost myself in music a lot.
But the friends I did have...many left me. I was bullied some. I was basically your typical late bloomer, and my best friend in about 8th grade thought I was a "cute kid," and left me for the popular crowd.

And my fear has never left.

I didn't even realize it was something that held onto me until now. My parents never knew how much I feared losing them to death or their abandonment, but now I see how much it controlled me through childhood and into now being an adult.
I get jealous easy. I wear my heart on my sleeve. I love like there is no tomorrow. I will be your friend for life if you let me. I love people.
And I live in the constant fear that I will lose them.

I am an overachiever. I people please. I use to lie if I thought people would like me better for it. I tend to justify it all by saying it's helping my fear.

I honestly don't know what to do with this. Admitting all of this is not easy, but I promised to be honest on this blog. I promised to share my journey (the good and bad) about living as a beautifully broken soul.
So here I am, a post with no resolution.
Because at this point I don't have one. And not having all the answers? That can be okay.
My fear does not define me. I know that. I just wish I believed that. I wish I could trust. I wish every day I didn't doubt my worth.
My fear cannot stop me.
But sometimes I let it anyway.

I can easily allow my fears to choose for me what I act on. I re write texts. I hate to make phone calls. I stress until you answer. I'd change who I am if it means you'd love me more. I do not lie when I say I have nightmares and lose sleep over what people may be thinking. I use to lay awake for hours in constant anxiety.
I'm an ennegram 2. I am a people-pleaser. I want you to like me, I want to be needed. It is in my DNA to want to love and love hard and never let you go.

Sister *laughing*: Stop right there, you look dark Me: Like this? Sister: Yeah, like that

My fears.
They are trying to control me.
They love to hold me back from my full potential, make me feel like crap.

I don't know where to go from here. This controls so many decisions I make. Last night I sat under the apple tree in the corner of my yard and watched the sun set, begging God for answers. I cannot live like this, but fear has been my reality all my life.
There was nothing that triggered this. I didn't have a traumatic childhood. I wish I had feared monsters in the closet and the normal silly things. I don't know what caused this deep fascination with death, what began this cycle of fear. I wish I did. I wish I had answers.
But I don't. But realizing this fear is not normal, I think it's the beginning to trying to find answers.
And I'm determined to be stronger for it.