Hola readers!
WOW. I just realized that not only have I been blogging for five years, but I've been a High School graduate for about a year. I graduated home schooling, having done that all my life, and college (even online) feels a bit daunting. But boy, has a lot led up to this moment.
Back in March of 2016, I was just finishing up classes, and eagerly looking at the future - a job? College? Youth with a Mission?
I really didn't know even though I had my eyes set on YWAM because I wanted to do a DTS down in Virginia. Stress began to build up as people learned I was no longer in High School. Questions such as, "what's next?" "What college are you going to?" "What are you majoring in?" began to pour in. I was honestly making myself overwhelmed and the constant push of family and friends - no matter how good their intentions - made me upset at God for not giving me the answers I thought I so needed. I thought I needed to know where I was going, what was going on, and where God was in all this.
I didn't realize that it's OK to not know. It's OK to not be OK. It's OK to have no plans.
Actually it's awesome to be a newly High School graduate and have nothing on the agenda - and that's great for anyone no matter who you are - it means a clean canvas, a place open for God to do anything, for your life to change at any moment. It's times like that God moves. It's also a time to relax, especially in the summer months.
But I didn't see that.
I won't blame it on the pressure of everyone else - though please hold it when speaking to anyone unsure of God's current plans because this doesn't help the stress levels - but I became one stressed out human.
Every time I thought I'd found an open door it slammed shut in my face. Hard. So hard in fact I told God He must want me to live my life forever at my parents' house staring at the wall and writing books that will go nowhere.
I didn't realize this stress and worry was going to cost me, that God is right when He says not to worry about tomorrow, to trust Him in everything.
In August I noticed that I had a lot of acid reflex, that coffee made my stomach burn, that when I ate spicy foods my stomach would complain. By September it was worse and I began to try and guess what was going on but I ended up going in circles, stopping coffee altogether and drinking more water. In November I became sick with the stomach virus on Thanksgiving and ended up with severe burning, so bad in fact I was in misery, doubled over.
I went to the doctor and had blood test runs, an ultra sound - nothing. The pain persisted, I have a low grade fever and went to the ER - scheduled for a scope I waited four months of sleepless nights, more worry, tears and frustration, before that became a reality. That was Saturday of this past weekend that I had my scope and the results....

Worry. Stress.

I could have cried, laughed or both. Relief because it isn't serious (though the biopsy results will confirm it's nothing for sure in a few days) and anger at myself for having gone through this pain for nothing. Because of my own stress, my own disbelief in God, because I worried about the future, I made myself sick.
Sick with worry.


This reminds me of Switchfoot's song "Mess of Me" where Jon Foreman sings

Ah there ain't no drugs to make me well

Then he goes on to say, "the sickness is myself" and it's so true. I am my own sickness, I brought this on myself. A little stress didn't bother me - throughout High School I worried about everything from my math grades to if or if not we'd finish watching Merlin BBC in time for....well there was no deadline but I thought their had to be. Call me odd, but I have my schedule.
I've always been that way, always had a plan, my ducks lined up, and really it started out small (as a child) and now as an adult it has taken over completely. It has begun to rule me.
Last December I prayed to God asking for a word for 2017 - something He wanted me to work on. Before I knew what was wrong with me, before I realized how much worry would cost me, I felt God whisper, "peace."

Peace.

My word for 2017 is peace - how appropriate for this struggle in my life. And as I've worked on peace God has continued to deliver. I went through my scope with no worry, with peace, and I'm trying to face the next chapters of healing with peace as well. It's been a tough year as a graduate of High School.
I'm not the same girl I was in 2016 (you can read my graduate post from last year here). I've changed so much I almost don't recognize me. God has been shaping me in ways I haven't seen until now. All this makes sense in a way - the pain, the acid, the worry. Without the pain there'd be no change.
There really wouldn't have been. Without this I wouldn't be who I am today. I needed to graduate with no plans. I needed to get sick.
That sounds terrible but true. God does everything for a purpose, allows everything for the story of our lives. He's shaping me, making me, creating me.
I needed this little struggle, I needed those long nights - they're who I am. Who I'm becoming.

Peace.

One of the hardest words to digest, to take to heart, to live. Without Jesus there is no peace. To obtain this is one of my biggest wishes because it means I'm becoming a stronger Christian, but it's not going to come by constantly allowing my brain to roam. It comes in the quietest of nights, in a whisper to my crying heart. It only comes when I seek Jesus, when I truly have nowhere else to turn, when I've given it all to Him.
Peace has become my mantra, something to live by. Without the peace of my Savior I'd be on the floor a crumbled mess - more of a mess then I am now, and believe me, I'm far from whole.
But I'm continually praying, "Jesus keep making me."
And He is.
He's there.
And He loves me despite the mess I've made.