Hola readers!

I want peace, crave it, desire it. I want to walk without fear, without anxiety. I want to be confident in who I am. I don't want to second guess myself. I want to be strong and capable and be my own person, forgetting everyone else's opinions.
Peace.
I've wanted it more than anything these last few weeks.

September 18th
I realize now my extreme fear of losing people causes me to reject or draw back because I don't want to get too close and get hurt if they stop loving me. 

I wrote this about two weeks ago in a time of extreme fear and anxiety, sitting under my golden apple tree watching the sun set and white clouds streak a pale blue sky.
 I wrote MY BIGGEST FEAR around that time just trying to make sense of the thoughts in my head. All around me lies are whispered and I listen to them. Worthless. Incompetent. Stupid. Incapable. 
I've suffered with writer's block on my second book because of my fear of not being capable.
I fear rejection so I draw back in an attempt not to get hurt yet in the same breath try to please everyone around me in a fight to be loved and needed. The painful cycle circles around and around.

I want to feel at peace.

I cannot move on in my life without it.

I sat under the apple tree after work, evening and evening, watching the sun set, trying to seek the peace my soul craved.
There's a cliche saying among Christians. You've probably heard it when they feel they can't do something. "I don't feel at peace."
So they quit.
Don't make a move

...because we don't feel peace...

I'm not trying to undermine their convictions, but I haven't felt "at peace" much of my life. I have spent a lot of my life living in fear. If I would have made choices based on my emotions, I wouldn't have left my bedroom. I wouldn't have published my book or started writing for OBO or got my job or met some amazing internet-turned-real-life-friends.
But I am not peace. My feelings are not peace.
Peace is not feeling.
Peace is a Thing.

The God of peace will soon crush Satan under your feet. The grace of our Lord Jesus Christ be with you. Romans 16:20

Peace is God.

The world has become a place where we do not feel at peace. We use drugs and alcohol and sex and media and validation and work and love to obtain the peace our heart's crave. But we don't feel at peace. We are a world in darkness. We're depressed. We cut. We cry ourselves to sleep at night. We are lonely. We fight anxiety and panic.

Because peace is not a feeling we can obtain.
Peace is a Thing we must cling to.
When we're not feeling hope for tomorrow, Peace is there. Peace is there when we can no longer feel.
We have peace all wrong.
We are searching for euphoria when in this fallen world, we will never obtain happiness that way. Each and every one of us tend to search for peace the wrong way. We search our heart's and minds, seeking peace.
But we're looking in all the wrong places.
God is Peace.
He is not a superficial feeling bound to change.
He is Love that is never ending. He is Love that will never change. He is Love that tells me there is hope for tomorrow.
That is not a feeling

It is a truth.

And that is how we obtain peace when your world feels anything but.